thoughts

there are times i wonder if my mother loves me as much as she loves the others.  there are times when i wonder if she loves me at all.

i am criticized for being me.  i am not perfect but i am her daughter...

i miss ayah.  perhaps that is why i relate better to ayah.  mak was always involved with my sisters while i was growing up.  i was the quiet one... the one in the shadows... the one always watching the others in the limelight.  perhaps that was how i became the me i am today, always watching the others in the limelight.

i hurt most of the time but i try not to show it.  perhaps i am doing such a fantastic job at hiding my hurt that mak doesn't realize that i am hurting inside.  i only want to be loved the way that she loves my siblings. am i asking for  too much?

i try not to let it get to me most of the time but sometimes, just sometimes, i wish that she would show me that she loves me for who i am...

i wish she would spare me all the complaints and judgments that she spares my siblings. she's all smiles with them and she speaks ever so sweetly to them.  to me, well, that a different case... i too would like to be treated with all smiles and sweetness, i don't want to hear about what's not right.  i want to hear about what's going on right, for a change. i want to be told, even for just one moment, that i matter.... am i asking for the impossible?