Sad :(

What good are all my knowledge and skills if I can't help you? You keep saying that you can't do it. You keep pushing my offer to assist you away. You can't do it, you say. I wish that you have greater faith in me and believe me when I say that you can. You just have to try....Try...that is all I ask of you. Don't give up, please.....

Your endless refusals never fail to remind me of what I already know....that I can only help those who want to be helped. It's hard for me to stand by and watch you deteriorate. Can't you see that I love you too much to want to let you do that to yourself? I know that I'm your least loved child but knowing that fact will not stop me from hoping.....hoping for that one day when you might have a change of mind and welcome my help...

My Wish for You

Good luck for later today. Just know that I love you and wish that your marriage will bring you the happiness you deserve :)

discouraged

My brother's getting married tomorrow and my mom has discouraged me from attending the ceremony on the bride's side. She doesn't want me there. She kept saying that it's really out in the sticks and I wouldn't like it, we'd have to share a home stay place with other people and there wouldn't be individual rooms (and I wouldn't like it)..... Note that she was the one telling me that I wouldn't like it. Actually, I was quite game for it but sensed that she didn't want me there.... but why???

Sensing her feelings about not wanting me to go, I didn't want to aggravate matters and told her that I'd changed my mind about going (no point going when your presence is not wanted; she's not going to make the trip a pleasant one for me if I did go on the trip). She heaved a noticeable sigh of relief when I said that I changed my mind and decided not to go.

Hmmm..... I must be a HUGE embarrassment to her.... I have absolutely NO idea why my own mother is doing this. In fact, I wish she would tell me what the problem really is but I doubt it if I'll ever know.

Yes, I've been to see my mom again today. Yes, I was abused yet again (what else is new, huh???).

My brother was there when all this happened. He did something which he has never done before as I was leaving --- he hugged me and told me that the last six months has been hell for him with mom too as mom didn't approve of his getting married.

It's painful, it hurts and I cried while driving home.

Sigh...

Will you ever love me? Why do you always, and I mean ALWAYS, remind me things that happened 25 years ago that I had no control over? Can't you be happy for me now that things in my life has changed tremendously? Can't we leave the past where it belongs --- in the past??? Can't you be happy for me in the present?

Would it be remotely possible for you to be supportive of what I am doing now? Can't you be happy with my milestones? I have been very happy with myself and what I have achieved through hard work, the kind that money can't buy. Won't you be happy for me? Does my quest for leading a healthier life make you uncomfortable? Is that why you always have to burst my happy bubble when I tell you what I have done?

You always tell me about what the others have achieved (mostly financially) when we do meet. Is that your way of telling me that I have failed next to them? It is just so painful to speak to you sometimes because I always end up getting majorly hurt. I don't think you even have any idea of how much you hurt me... or maybe you do know what you are doing. If that is so, why do you do it?

I don't like to discuss my finances/ assets with others. Why should I? Aren't such things personal? While I do have financial goals for obvious practical reasons, the goals that I love to pursue are mostly non-financial in nature, the kinds that money just can't buy. Is that so wrong?

Just know that I love you and I hope for that one day when you might show me that you love me in return. I hope that one day you might be happy for me.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, Ayah. I love you.

Pagi Raya Aidil Fitri

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri Ayah. Ida mintak ampun Ayah. It's been four years (I only know this because Ita mentioned it). I have lost count of the number of years. I don't want to think of the number of years that you have left us. Pagi Raya is just not the same without you, Ayah. I miss you dearly.

Ayah

Happy Father's Day Ayah... I miss you terribly. I wish I had told you "I love you" more often when I could. You are always in my thoughts.