you went away so suddenly
we didn't have time for goodbyes
i didn't have time to ask for your forgiveness
for all the misdeeds that i have done
i think of you every waking moment
wishing that we had had more time
i never told you often enough just how much i love you
just how much i value you...
they tell me that in me lives a part of you
the part of you that is on the quest for knowledge
i don't want to make you promises that i can't keep
i don't want to disappoint you
but if Allah permits
i shall try to achieve your dreams for me
i shall do it for you...
i know your dreams are for me and not for you
i know that you loved me
and i want you to know
that in me exists a void that will never be filled
i love you so much
i regret that i didn't tell you often enough that i love you
i only hope that you know...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
the holiday
It was a holiday that she had been looking forward to. She counted weeks and days to it. It was to be a much needed two week break in a land she had never set foot on before. It turned out to be the longest week of her life. Her holiday became a nightmare. Her holiday was cut short and she returned a week later with a shattered heart. He didn’t love her. He told her to go away. He told her that he never planned to marry her. He left her alone for most days and nights. She came home empty, broken, . She knew that she should have known better. A man with children was most likely to not prioritize her. They were his priority. She was secondary. She felt betrayed. She longed to be with him but not in this way. She wanted him to love her, to be with her. Their plan for a holiday in Europe was ruined. His daughter did not like her. He accused her of attacking his daughter when she meant well. She avoided going to visit the daughter because she was afraid of the inevitable and it happened. The daughter disliked her. The mother of his daughter disliked her. He disliked her because of that too. He blamed her for many things that happened in his life, including his daughter’s illness that she knew not until she went there. Suddenly, she found herself alone, unloved, unwanted. She wondered if she would ever be lucky in love. She wondered if love was an elusive thing for her, something for the others around her but never for herself. She wondered if there would be anyone out there for her, to love her for all her flaws and shortcomings. She looked within herself and found herself to be beautiful. Hers is a beauty found in few. Would there be anyone at all for her?
She spent the rest of her holidays at home, asleep most of the time. She found comfort in sleep. It offered her an escape from the dark and dreary days. She didn’t have anyone. Her hurt and pain was hers and hers alone. Nothing that she did and no one whom she spoke to seemed to be able to heal the pain that she was feeling. She would soon have no home to go home to either. He is taking back the home as well. Her whole word is shattered. What will become of her? Is there possibly a silver lining in the cloud for her? She has no choice but to be brave and face the days to come. She is unable to fall asleep on most nights. She stays awake till the wee hours in the morning and has a headache in the afternoon due to staying up too late into the night. She faces the world with a smile in her face everyday but little do they realize just how much she is hurting inside.
Her weekends are empty now. She used to spend Sunday afternoons talking to him for hours. Now, she speaks to no one. Her world has become silent. She does many things alone. Is this a curse, she wonders…
August 17, 2007
She spent the rest of her holidays at home, asleep most of the time. She found comfort in sleep. It offered her an escape from the dark and dreary days. She didn’t have anyone. Her hurt and pain was hers and hers alone. Nothing that she did and no one whom she spoke to seemed to be able to heal the pain that she was feeling. She would soon have no home to go home to either. He is taking back the home as well. Her whole word is shattered. What will become of her? Is there possibly a silver lining in the cloud for her? She has no choice but to be brave and face the days to come. She is unable to fall asleep on most nights. She stays awake till the wee hours in the morning and has a headache in the afternoon due to staying up too late into the night. She faces the world with a smile in her face everyday but little do they realize just how much she is hurting inside.
Her weekends are empty now. She used to spend Sunday afternoons talking to him for hours. Now, she speaks to no one. Her world has become silent. She does many things alone. Is this a curse, she wonders…
August 17, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
trust
I set up a blog page a couple of months back as a pilot project on collaborative writing. Since it was a collaborative writing project, I kicked started it with someone who, at that point in time, I considered was a pal of mine. I didn't know how it would go and that was just it --- that is what pilot projects are really all about.
Two months down the road, he slows down on it (down to no contributions) and I am left with a collaborative project with no one to work with. So... in comes H, another pal of mine who was kind enough to help out in my project. Out of courtesy, I texted G to ask him if he would mind having someone else participate in the project (never mind that his contribution to the blog site was absolutely nil at that point!). Anyway... as it turns out, he doesn't answer my simple yes/no question but insteads asks me a list of what seemed like endless questions about the new participant. At the end of it all, he asks if this new participant is an ex (like... why should that even be an issue???). Truth be told, it was MY pilot study and I had control over the project and who got on it (and if I so wished, who got thrown out of it as well). But he wanted to turn this into a territorial game instead.
I just wish that G would grow up... but I know that is simply wishful thinking on my part. It is not ever going to happen. It upsets me that G is unable to share the sandbox with others and that he is so suspicious of my intentions and of the people around me. I guess, he must be doing it on purpose. He just wants to fight and win at whatever cost it may take. He doesn't know what it means to be a friend. He only wants to provoke. It seems very likely that he will lose me again... and this time around, I'm not sure I would reconsider having him back on my pals list. A real pal wouldn't set out to control the other... and that is what he is doing...it is all about control with him. Everything has to be about him... I don't think that he even stopped a moment to think how it is going to affect me as it is my pilot study.
He says that I am evasive. Truth be told, I've offered to lay down the cards on the table, to tell him everything but he avoids such a meeting saying that the Swiss CEO is in town, he has to entertain his international colleagues, he is ill (yup, ill with early signs of pneumonia but I later find out that as "ill" as he was, he wasn't too ill for the 12 hour plane trip back to the UK... so much for getting pneumonia and about to die and not seeing his 42nd birthday). Yes, the signs are loud and clear, he doesn't want to hear the truth and if he did, he probably couldn't handle it. He just wants to be a pain in the rear end. Complain, complain, complain but when truth is offered, he avoids it.
I guess, I could do without him... if he's hurting me this much, he isn't worth my time.
Two months down the road, he slows down on it (down to no contributions) and I am left with a collaborative project with no one to work with. So... in comes H, another pal of mine who was kind enough to help out in my project. Out of courtesy, I texted G to ask him if he would mind having someone else participate in the project (never mind that his contribution to the blog site was absolutely nil at that point!). Anyway... as it turns out, he doesn't answer my simple yes/no question but insteads asks me a list of what seemed like endless questions about the new participant. At the end of it all, he asks if this new participant is an ex (like... why should that even be an issue???). Truth be told, it was MY pilot study and I had control over the project and who got on it (and if I so wished, who got thrown out of it as well). But he wanted to turn this into a territorial game instead.
I just wish that G would grow up... but I know that is simply wishful thinking on my part. It is not ever going to happen. It upsets me that G is unable to share the sandbox with others and that he is so suspicious of my intentions and of the people around me. I guess, he must be doing it on purpose. He just wants to fight and win at whatever cost it may take. He doesn't know what it means to be a friend. He only wants to provoke. It seems very likely that he will lose me again... and this time around, I'm not sure I would reconsider having him back on my pals list. A real pal wouldn't set out to control the other... and that is what he is doing...it is all about control with him. Everything has to be about him... I don't think that he even stopped a moment to think how it is going to affect me as it is my pilot study.
He says that I am evasive. Truth be told, I've offered to lay down the cards on the table, to tell him everything but he avoids such a meeting saying that the Swiss CEO is in town, he has to entertain his international colleagues, he is ill (yup, ill with early signs of pneumonia but I later find out that as "ill" as he was, he wasn't too ill for the 12 hour plane trip back to the UK... so much for getting pneumonia and about to die and not seeing his 42nd birthday). Yes, the signs are loud and clear, he doesn't want to hear the truth and if he did, he probably couldn't handle it. He just wants to be a pain in the rear end. Complain, complain, complain but when truth is offered, he avoids it.
I guess, I could do without him... if he's hurting me this much, he isn't worth my time.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Time Drainers
Do you get the idea that some people are champion whingers??? There is this woman at school who is not even my coursemate but because she hangs out with some of my coursemates, I am stuck to socialize with her over breaks. She has a lot to complain about from classes being offered on the wrong days (the "right day" being just Wednesdays), to having to drive from Ayer Keroh to Serdang, to her boss, to not getting time-off to pursue her masters from her place of work, to her kid not being looked after properly by her babysitter (mind you, when I first met this woman, I thought she had a very young baby only to discover later that this is a 9 year old boy!!!) and as you can imagine, the list goes on and on and on...
Such people are emotionally draining to talk to because they really don't want to take any of your suggestions on board. They just wanna whinge!!! I got to the point that I just gave up on offering solutions when I realised that solutions were not what she was seeking. This was one person who was happy being unhappy! She makes having one 9-year old son sound like having a 9 month old baby! Last week she was whinging about her boss (why am I not surprised???).
As far as I am concerned, we make conscious choices. We decide what to do, when to do them and where we want to be. Whinging is just draining not only to yourself but also to the people that you whinge to. Yes, nobody said that going to school part-time while having a full-time job is easy but it is a conscious choice that you make. Nobody is asking you to do it if you don't want to. Stop whinging and start doing something positive to make matters better!
Such people are emotionally draining to talk to because they really don't want to take any of your suggestions on board. They just wanna whinge!!! I got to the point that I just gave up on offering solutions when I realised that solutions were not what she was seeking. This was one person who was happy being unhappy! She makes having one 9-year old son sound like having a 9 month old baby! Last week she was whinging about her boss (why am I not surprised???).
As far as I am concerned, we make conscious choices. We decide what to do, when to do them and where we want to be. Whinging is just draining not only to yourself but also to the people that you whinge to. Yes, nobody said that going to school part-time while having a full-time job is easy but it is a conscious choice that you make. Nobody is asking you to do it if you don't want to. Stop whinging and start doing something positive to make matters better!
Sunday, August 05, 2007
a soul searching journey alone
It has been four whole days since we had that discussion about life in class but I can't seem to forget it. There is a lot of truth in what my lecturer said. Don't know how we got around to it but the Genre Studies class discussion suddenly diverted, went off course and before we knew it, we were all involved in a discussion about women pursuing higher education and their partners' perceptions. He said that in the beginning, the partners would be supportive when they think that it is not really possible for the wife to complete the whole course of education but when they see that it is becoming a possiblility, they get hard on their wives. That's when the cooking doesn't taste so good, the house is in a mess and extra marital affairs happen. I thought about it for a moment and see the truth in what he says (wisdom speaks as he has been a lecturer and supervisor for a long time).
My own experience seems to have been similar. He was in the beginning supportive, but as my pursuing of my masters degree got longer, and as he saw that it is a possibility that I might graduate, he began saying things like, "What's in it for me?". I had no answer for that question of his. It is true, it is all for me, for my own self satisfaction. It is about me alleviating myself professionally.
In the beginning, it was about us getting somewhere as a couple. That I would use this time apart to pursue what I've always dreamed of... a masters degree. In the meantime, he would be working on his end on trying to build a life for us so that we could eventually be together. But as things turned out, the journey required serious commitment on both sides. I was keeping to my end of the deal. I went to work in the day and school at night. On nights that I didn't have school, I would be busy working on school assignments.
He started getting tired of everything even though he wasn't in the same place with me. He started finding fault with me over the smallest of things. He would ring me close to midnight on Friday nite when I was dead tired not only over work but over school assignments as well. I wouldn't be too chatty and that would be an issue too. Other issues started cropping up, what used to be great years ago now wasn't good enough. In short, he was looking for fault because he wanted out --- that was what happened in the end... he called it quits and left me.
My lecturer had some real world advise for us. He said to marry someone who is a PhD holder as someone who already has his PhD would not have issues about you pursuing higher education and would probably be more sympathetic towards your journey as he has undergone a similar experience. Now, that is something to think about...
My own experience seems to have been similar. He was in the beginning supportive, but as my pursuing of my masters degree got longer, and as he saw that it is a possibility that I might graduate, he began saying things like, "What's in it for me?". I had no answer for that question of his. It is true, it is all for me, for my own self satisfaction. It is about me alleviating myself professionally.
In the beginning, it was about us getting somewhere as a couple. That I would use this time apart to pursue what I've always dreamed of... a masters degree. In the meantime, he would be working on his end on trying to build a life for us so that we could eventually be together. But as things turned out, the journey required serious commitment on both sides. I was keeping to my end of the deal. I went to work in the day and school at night. On nights that I didn't have school, I would be busy working on school assignments.
He started getting tired of everything even though he wasn't in the same place with me. He started finding fault with me over the smallest of things. He would ring me close to midnight on Friday nite when I was dead tired not only over work but over school assignments as well. I wouldn't be too chatty and that would be an issue too. Other issues started cropping up, what used to be great years ago now wasn't good enough. In short, he was looking for fault because he wanted out --- that was what happened in the end... he called it quits and left me.
My lecturer had some real world advise for us. He said to marry someone who is a PhD holder as someone who already has his PhD would not have issues about you pursuing higher education and would probably be more sympathetic towards your journey as he has undergone a similar experience. Now, that is something to think about...
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