Valentine's

Will you be my Valentine?

Sigh...

Will you ever love me? Why do you always, and I mean ALWAYS, remind me things that happened 25 years ago that I had no control over? Can't you be happy for me now that things in my life has changed tremendously? Can't we leave the past where it belongs --- in the past??? Can't you be happy for me in the present?

Would it be remotely possible for you to be supportive of what I am doing now? Can't you be happy with my milestones? I have been very happy with myself and what I have achieved through hard work, the kind that money can't buy. Won't you be happy for me? Does my quest for leading a healthier life make you uncomfortable? Is that why you always have to burst my happy bubble when I tell you what I have done?

You always tell me about what the others have achieved (mostly financially) when we do meet. Is that your way of telling me that I have failed next to them? It is just so painful to speak to you sometimes because I always end up getting majorly hurt. I don't think you even have any idea of how much you hurt me... or maybe you do know what you are doing. If that is so, why do you do it?

I don't like to discuss my finances/ assets with others. Why should I? Aren't such things personal? While I do have financial goals for obvious practical reasons, the goals that I love to pursue are mostly non-financial in nature, the kinds that money just can't buy. Is that so wrong?

Just know that I love you and I hope for that one day when you might show me that you love me in return. I hope that one day you might be happy for me.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, Ayah. I love you.

Taking a Chance on Love

I've always wondered why there's this person whom I dated years ago really sucked at being a BF but turns out to be a wonderful online pal.

You had trust issues. You were wary of me because I talked so little about myself. I'm an introvert, more of a listener than a talker.

You said that you didn't even know where I worked. You could have offered to send me to work on Saturday mornings but you'd rather stay in bed. You couldn't even get out of bed to walk me to my car. I walked to my car alone. It would have been nice to have you walk me to my car and kiss me before I left for work... but that didn't happen.

You said that you didn't even know where I lived. Do you have any idea how happy it would have made me if you had offered to pick me up from home for a date? Instead, I always met up with you at your place as I didn't want to inconvenience you.

You were constantly suspicious of me and I only wanted to be loved. One night, you confronted me over a text message that someone sent me on my phone (yes, you checked my phone while I was in the bathroom). I have absolutely NO CONTROL over what someone else is going to text me. You accused me of seeing someone else.

One night, I went out with my friends. You rang me and insisted that I turn up at your front door that very night and that if I didn't, it would be over between us. I didn't turn up at your front door. Yes, I too can be quite adamant. I didn't turn up because I knew that such ultimatums were not the way to make any relationship work. I didn't turn up because it hurt too much trying to make it work with someone who didn't know that he wanted me.

Much later, you realize that I am real. Much, much later... we are still friends.

I am thankful for the experience. I so wanted to be loved by you but I failed to realise that you weren't ready to love and be loved. You were looking for all the excuses under the sun as to why it could not work out between us. You didn't want it to work out. If only you were looking for all the reasons under the sun as to why it could work out wonderfully for us, you would have seen that I was there for you.

I took a chance on you. Sadly, you didn't take a chance on me...

Romantic Ideas

I'm a romantic at heart. I believe that it's possible for two people to be in love and not have a third party involved.

I believe in trusting each other. After all, what is left of any relationship devoid of trust? I wonder if my mother's skeptical view of love is formed out of her own life's experiences... I find it sad that she doesn't believe that it is possible for a man to remain faithful to a woman. 

I'd like to believe that we each make choices in life --- and when involved in a relationship with someone, we make the conscious decision to stay together not because we have to but because we want to. 

My mother also doesn't think that it's possible to still love an old love many years later. I, on the other hand,  think it's possible. Sometimes, people marry the wrong people. Maybe they met the right person but the timing was wrong, things didn't work out and they both ended up marrying the wrong people. It's possible to rediscover lost loves many years later. I think it's a wonderful thing having someone love you through all the years. I think no matter how old you are when you rediscover your lost love, you both deserve to discover the "what if" than to never know at all. Would this mean that you'd have to get a divorce from your present spouse? Yes, but wouldn't staying married to the wrong person just because you've been married to each other for the last 20 years be the wrong reason to remain in that marriage? We each deserve to be happy.

Staying married for the sake of others is probably not the best thing for anyone. I believe that you are only able to give the best of you to others when you are happy. You can't give others the best you when you are in a wrong marriage. 

Love is about discovering each other. It's about growing together. 

So I suppose, I'm guilty of being a hopeless romantic. I truly believe in the miracle of love.

love

Am I a romantic for believing in this thing called "love"?

love

"A woman carries her pet cats as she wades through a flooded street during#typhoon #Nesat in San Mateo, #Rizal, east of #Manila on September 27, 2011." http://twitpic.com/6rgtmb

Something about this picture speaks of love.

Pagi Raya Aidil Fitri

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri Ayah. Ida mintak ampun Ayah. It's been four years (I only know this because Ita mentioned it). I have lost count of the number of years. I don't want to think of the number of years that you have left us. Pagi Raya is just not the same without you, Ayah. I miss you dearly.

Ayah

Happy Father's Day Ayah... I miss you terribly. I wish I had told you "I love you" more often when I could. You are always in my thoughts.