is this just nostalgia that i'm feeling? i've been thinking about j since that dream that i had.
that got me around to thinking that it's high time i made amends with the past. time to let bygones be bygones.
thing is, i keep asking myself if it is really amends that i want to make or am i looking for more? and if so, why?
j broke my heart many, many years ago. thanks to j, i lost faith in all men of my race. i purposely went out with men who weren't of the same race with me as i figured that life must have been trying to tell me something if i just couldn't get it right with men of my race.
fact was, i was deeply hurt. i waited for forever but it never happened.
there were simply way too many things in our way --- neither his family nor his friends approved of me. to make things worse, i discovered that j was seeing prostitutes behind my back.
after discovering about j and the prostitutes, i stayed with him for another year thinking that i could find it in myself to forgive him but what i discovered was that i couldn't forgive him and whenever there was an argument, they would always crop up. i failed to forget them for i am only human.
i loved him with all my heart, i really did, but i guess, it was never meant to be.
if anyone had told the me then that we would never ever be together, i would have been devastated but looking back, i understand why we didn't happen --- because i deserve better. still, i wish that he knew that.
it was i who walked away because his non-action was in itself a decision.
strangely enough, i hear you ask why i'd want to make amends after all that has happened. why not just let sleeping dogs lie?
well, life is too short to hold onto regrets. it is, after all, a new year... perhaps time to let go of past pains and to instead embrace good memories?
that got me around to thinking that it's high time i made amends with the past. time to let bygones be bygones.
thing is, i keep asking myself if it is really amends that i want to make or am i looking for more? and if so, why?
j broke my heart many, many years ago. thanks to j, i lost faith in all men of my race. i purposely went out with men who weren't of the same race with me as i figured that life must have been trying to tell me something if i just couldn't get it right with men of my race.
fact was, i was deeply hurt. i waited for forever but it never happened.
there were simply way too many things in our way --- neither his family nor his friends approved of me. to make things worse, i discovered that j was seeing prostitutes behind my back.
after discovering about j and the prostitutes, i stayed with him for another year thinking that i could find it in myself to forgive him but what i discovered was that i couldn't forgive him and whenever there was an argument, they would always crop up. i failed to forget them for i am only human.
i loved him with all my heart, i really did, but i guess, it was never meant to be.
if anyone had told the me then that we would never ever be together, i would have been devastated but looking back, i understand why we didn't happen --- because i deserve better. still, i wish that he knew that.
it was i who walked away because his non-action was in itself a decision.
strangely enough, i hear you ask why i'd want to make amends after all that has happened. why not just let sleeping dogs lie?
well, life is too short to hold onto regrets. it is, after all, a new year... perhaps time to let go of past pains and to instead embrace good memories?
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